Where was I.....

Boy, how things have changed- my oldest is grown, she's now a mother- almost twice- she's due this March with her second daughter. Yep, that makes me a grandma- before 40- almost twice. People seem to think I'd be sad or upset by this, but I'm not. It rocks. I LOVE being a grandma- or Noni- as I refer to myself with my precious grandbaby. I don't know why anyone wouldn't relish grandparenthood- it's amazing, it's awe inspiring, it's really cool that you get all the perks of a little cherubic angel and very little of the sleepless nights- what's NOT to love about that? 

My struggles with my oldest daughter grew and we fought and were at odds for a couple of years in fact- I went through the grief and strife and pain and confusions that come from kids growing up and doing stupid, thoughtless, crazy things you spent two decades training them not to do. The struggle is real- it also eventually settles- you navigate the emotional shift to the best of your ability- you weigh the cost of sticking to your idea of what you want your grown children to do, and then you try to make peace with what they actually do. It's a different role now- I'm no longer at the head of the table of my oldest daughters decision making, I can offer advice, I can answer questions- but ultimately, I'm relegated to the back of the bus decision wise. Now her and her spouse make decisions, and however baffled, annoyed, or frustrated  I may be by them, it's my job to get out of their way and let them learn to live in the world. It's not an easy shift, especially if you're a type a parent who was just full of visions of all the great decisions you made for your kids lives, whether they had any say in it or not-lol. So in the nutshell, she grew up, she got married, she had a baby, and she's having another- in that order- and while I kicked and screamed and pleaded for her to JUST LISTEN to me- I fell in love with my beautiful granddaughter and realized, I WANT to be a part of this little angels life- and I don't want to alienate her or my daughter by constantly trying to control their lives. It's not all peaches and cream- but I've learned to not worry about anything I can't control, and it's given me a sense of freedom I couldn't have imagined- I'm free to not worry about THEIR life, I'm free to just enjoy being a grandmother, I'm free to put that energy in other areas of my life, because I've done my job with my oldest daughter, good, bad or ugly, the window is closed, I've raised her, I've put in for nearly two decades all I can- and while I'll always be a life time support system- she has her own wings now and can fly- if I stay out of her way and just let her navigate her life

So they tell me I'm always angry....

perhaps they're right. I do feel angry a lot. Exasperation that morphed into annoyance and leaped quite smoothly into anger- yep, I can see that. I didn't used to get angry so much, I also didn't used to have two teenagers and two young children constantly vying for my time, attention, fighting over the scraps of my remaining patience. I guess it's part of the job description, but I find that a great deal of my hostility is their utter disregard for me- my time, my feelings, my life. I work from home, I do this because it's convenient, it saves me money and allows me to be there for things the kids might need. The teenager in my life have interpreted this to mean that I'm awaiting instruction from her- "Mom, can you bring me a bathing suit and drive me to a friends after school, oh and wash my uniform for work?" "Mom, you know those torn up jeans you told me not to wear to school? well I wore them and now they want you to bring me another pair of pants." "Mom, could you go on FB and tell me so and so's birthday, I've forgotten it" "Mom, I'm having a bad day, can you just come and get me and take me out to lunch?"- I'm afraid to answer the phone, whoever is on the other end IS going to want something, and I'll either have to QUIT WORKING and do it, or bear the guilt of saying "HELL NO" for the rest of the day- either way, it's at that juncture, specifically that my mood and temper take a turn for the worse. When I vent to my beloved who is NOT burdened with these requests ("because dad WORKS", they say!) he says "Well honey, you're MOM, it's what they expect from you, and you seem angry a lot lately, maybe you should calm down a little" - for the record, if a man ever reads this, DO NOT EVER TELL YOUR WIFE MID VENT TO CALM DOWN< I assure you she will NOT, and now she has leveled her laser stare at YOU- at any rate, now I'm left with a conflict, I don't know if I'm unusually angry or justifiably angry- I want to simply say in my best June Cleaver voice, "Sure honey, I'd be happy to run down to the school in the middle of my work day and wake your brother from his nap so that you can have whatever it is you want right away" but what comes out is, "WTH is wrong with you? didn't you know you needed this before you left this morning? I'm not your hand maiden, and my work pays bills around here, while bringing you XYZ doesn't do anything but use my time, gas and patience! ugh, fine I'll bring it to you but this is the LAST TIME!" *until next time* The scenario is fairly regular, weekly at least- to the point I don't want to answer the phone, sometimes I unplug it so they can't reach me, but then worry they'll have an ACTUAL emergency and plug it back in- in fact the other day when I ignored my teens call, she gave ME a lecture about it- know what she was calling about? She needed a wardrobe change because she had dressed inappropriately for an assigned presentation- but clearly I AM the problem here according to her for not answering my phone to fix this for her quickly enough- ugh, see that's my anger peeping out again. To top it off, I have no one to vent to about it, when I try to speak to my husband about it, I'm told to calm down, he gets agitated just discussing it with me, I cannot even imagine if he was subject to their petty demands all day- he'd have changed his name and moved to Mexico long ago, but I should simply calm down about it. ugh....blah...maybe it's time to look into meditation? ah, but I'd have to find someplace they couldn't find me to do it, lol, and that is seeming highly unlikely at the moment. Honestly I just don't know how to balance MY needs, THEIR needs, and my mommy guilt all on the same platter without spilling some hostility along the way.

Someone should tell you....

There are some things that I believe are truthful, but no one tells you. Maybe no one tells you because they don't want to scare you. Maybe people don't tell you because they themselves don't want to acknowledge it. Maybe they just don't know when or how to throw it out there. So I'm going to start an ongoing list of things I think someone should tell you, that I wish someone had told me. Here it goes:

1. Labor hurts. You can breathe, pant, do yoga, but in the end for most women (except for the very rare exceptions with some weird mixed signals that claim to orgasm during labor, which to me is just too odd to really think about) it...hurts.


2. It's been my recent experience that no matter how anyone else or life has hurt you, there's a good chance that your children may hurt you MORE- not intentionally but having a piece of your heart and soul out walking around without you is not conducive to peace pf mind and tranquility of spirit.

3. Once you have children, you're never, EVER sleeping truly again. Not like you did pre-children- well some of you may, but most...nope. You're mommy ears are turned on and listening even as you dream. Tuned in for every cough, whimper, scuttle, pitter patter. And even if the kids aren't there, some part of your brain is on stand by for "emergencies" of specifics you can't and don't want to imagine, but there in your brain, it sits and just waits for the phone to ring. As far as I know this is indefinite- sorry.

4.You probably are a little crazy, we all wonder from time to time, so I'm going to go ahead and get it done- yes, you are, yes, your children probably helped drive you there, but let's face it, it was probably a short trip to begin with. I sort of base this on the belief that we're all a bit crazy- and then it grows or diminishes based on environment and other factors, but we start out with a foundation of "a little nutty".

...to be continued....when time or sanity allow

She left....

She's gone. For now. Maybe she'll be back....and then maybe she won't. We fought, she left to stay at a friends, she didn't specify for a day or a week, or a month, or ever...it hurt. Terribly. I thought she'd move out sometime in the next year, though I admit I always bridled at the thought, but I just never expected it to be like this. I guess I wanted the 7th Heaven Special (anyone else remember that show?)kind of moment, she'd decide to move in with a friend, I'd help her pack and buy her some new things for her new place, we'd have tearful happy hugs at the door of her new wonderful tiny place and we'd rave about how cool it is over lunch the next week. That was the vision- NOT the reality.

It's now been four days- she's not back and her planning seems DESIGNED to cause me heartache. Will she finish high school? Am I a bad mom? how did this happen? WHY did this happen?? All I'm left with are questions with no answers and fear for her future now that it all seems to be hanging in the balance..oh, and anger, oh boy am I angry!!
Part of me wants to cave, beg her to return on any condition and have her back here, with us, where we love her and will know she's okay. And part of me wants to forget this pain, forget her for a while, and just not deal with any of it- (seems to be working for her). Finally, there's this one tiny little part of me that is so angry that she could do this, could be this dumb, this hurtful, this blind- to jeopardize graduating high school EIGHT weeks before completion, to simply up and walk out on her family (me really, that what this seems to be about this is between her and I - somewhere along the line she decided I specifically was unbearable)- but her siblings are being hurt too, and she doesn't seem to care in the least about ANY of it. and For what? because I wanted her to come home for an afternoon and have dinner with me? Because we asked her to be hygienic, considerate and dress appropriately? Because we set standards that she had to meet?

I don't know if she'll come back or not, I don't know anymore if she'll graduate or not, I am pretty sure college may be out of the question, and I'm praying that there isn't more bad news coming down Amy Lane at the moment, but I have a strong feeling there is- I DO know, right now I'm hurt and angry but it will pass, because I know I can forgive my children almost anything, and anything I can't forgive I can move past- I also know that this is the pivotal point, the point where things between her and I will never be the same, not to say they won't ever be good, but an era is unequivocally over, we may eventually bond in other ways, at other stages in her life, but this has been an expedient and quite painful toss out of the windshield, figuratively speaking, and I've actually been through a windshield literally, I can safely equate the two and tell you, I'd rather go through an actual windshield again. I so wish it hadn't been this way, I wish I knew what to say, or how to say it to make this all better, but now is the time at which I have to deal with the fact, that for her, I can't make it better anymore, I can't stop her from making mistakes anymore, no matter how painful it is to watch her make them, I can only be here when she looks for me, and hope that my other kids don't choose this route out of kid land.

What did I do wrong?

        My kids...today...they bug me. I ask my little one to get her backpack so I can review her papers and sign her log, she wanders off and about two minutes later is still walking in little circles saying, "I don't see my backpack." It's RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!! two feet to the left of you, on the foot stool! "oh, mommy, why didn't you just get it if you knew where it was?" ...blink, blink
         I make my coffee and my youngest teen says to me, "Can I have some of your coffee, but iced?" me, "uh, no." "But WHHHHYYYY?" "because you don't even eat breakfast, because you're thirteen, because it's mine and I don't want to share just this one thing, you use my make up, you wear my clothes, you smell like my lotion, I have to yell from the shower to get you to return  my conditioner, LEAVE my COFFEE ...alone." her, "ugh, fine" blink....

My oldest teen, her room, food sort of ..everywhere. I go in to say good morning, but realize that I asked her to get the food out of her room DAYS ago, and yet, there it is. I can sense cockroaches converging on our house just looking at that food on her dresser. Let's walk through that lovely conversation shall we?
"Baby, could you PLEASE get the food out of your room like I asked?"
Her, "Ugh, did you just come in here to nag me?"
"No, I came to say good morning to you and your pet roaches, and I'm not 'nagging' I am politely asking for the umpteenth time before I lose my patience and start yelling:"
Her, "I picked up the food! It's over there in a bag! SEE!"
Me, blink, blink, blink..."I asked you to get the food OUT OF your room, not make a doggie bag for the bugs and rodents. To have  complied with what was asked that bag would need at the very least to be in the hallway."
Her, "I have to go, I'm going to be late for school because you're nagging me"
Me...blink, blink..blink....

I'm a good mom, hubby is a good dad, we work hard to be fair, balanced, involved, caring, intelligent parents. We've tried hard to instill work ethic, respect for oneself and others, compassion, intelligence, common sense in our children. On days like this, I suspect, we've missed something, lol. I'm angry with the kids and more importantly angry with myself because I don't think I handled these scenarios properly, but to be honest, I have no clue how I could have approached them differently. In general terms I have wonderful children, it is only their father and I they feel the need to drive very fast and very far down a very short pier...they argue with almost EVERYTHING we say. I want to strangle them sometimes. They even know the cues that they are pushing me too far, my middle daughter informed me that the more agitated I become, the more slowly I blink, lol....she KNOWS this and yet still pushes me beyond "blink capacity" into YELLING territory! Yep, it's Thursday and today, I'm NOT feeling like the most successful wonderful mother in the world. Maybe tomorrow.
*I finished writing this, got up to refill my coffee and felt a cold breeze blowing through the house...they left the back door standing WIDE open...I asked them to let the dog out, which amazingly they did, but apparently closing the door was just a tiny leap too much, lol...help me...

The Ever Important Bucket List!

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details.

So I came across the above referenced contest, and of course thought "I want to win!" but immediately following that thought was, "What IS on my 'bucket list'?". I had to think about it, really think about it, narrowing it down to just 15 things has become the problem. There's just so much world out there, so many experiences, so many things to see, taste, hear, embrace, feel...where and how does one really focus on just 15? Well, I've tried and here is what I've decided matters the absolute most to me if I really have to choose-

1. Go to Egypt- I've wanted to do this since I was a child, Egyptian history fascinates me, and I have a deep longing to stand among that history and breathe it in, feel it's presence in a way that books will never be able to fully convey.

2. Do one truly wonderful selfless thing for someone who really needs it, doesn't expect it and honestly deserves it. Anonymously.

3. Get all the kids through college, without student loans.

4. Run a marathon, nothing life altering, I don't want to expire doing it, I just want to feel like an athlete again for a short bit.

5. Travel with my kids places, show them beauty, nature, the amazing world we have all around us. I've never really been anywhere myself, sharing the experience with them would make it all the better and enriching.

6. Lay on a beach in Bora Bora after a day of snorkeling with an amazing book and a perfect margarita and my husband by my side.

7. Skydive.

8. Swim with sharks. *neither of the last two do I wish to share with the kids, my fear for them would suck the fun right out of it for me, lol.

9.Perform as a stand up comic, just once- it'd be nice if people laughed....at least a little.

10. Take dance classes with my husband, something passionate and fun. He'd never do it, but hey, this isn't HIS bucket list now is it?? 

11. Retire on a boat with my husband and sail, fish, read and just be us- catching a marlin would be cherry on the cake of this dream, ESPECIALLY if *gasp* I caught one FIRST! I'd talk about it every day, lol.

12. Master Sewing.

13. Drive a racecar....really, really fast.

14. Hold my grandchildren.....maybe even great grandchildren.*though admittedly skydiving, swimming with sharks and driving race cars does not bode well for this one:)


15. Remember how blessed I am, each and every day, even the bad ones.