perhaps they're right. I do feel angry a lot. Exasperation that morphed into annoyance and leaped quite smoothly into anger- yep, I can see that. I didn't used to get angry so much, I also didn't used to have two teenagers and two young children constantly vying for my time, attention, fighting over the scraps of my remaining patience. I guess it's part of the job description, but I find that a great deal of my hostility is their utter disregard for me- my time, my feelings, my life. I work from home, I do this because it's convenient, it saves me money and allows me to be there for things the kids might need. The teenager in my life have interpreted this to mean that I'm awaiting instruction from her- "Mom, can you bring me a bathing suit and drive me to a friends after school, oh and wash my uniform for work?" "Mom, you know those torn up jeans you told me not to wear to school? well I wore them and now they want you to bring me another pair of pants." "Mom, could you go on FB and tell me so and so's birthday, I've forgotten it" "Mom, I'm having a bad day, can you just come and get me and take me out to lunch?"- I'm afraid to answer the phone, whoever is on the other end IS going to want something, and I'll either have to QUIT WORKING and do it, or bear the guilt of saying "HELL NO" for the rest of the day- either way, it's at that juncture, specifically that my mood and temper take a turn for the worse. When I vent to my beloved who is NOT burdened with these requests ("because dad WORKS", they say!) he says "Well honey, you're MOM, it's what they expect from you, and you seem angry a lot lately, maybe you should calm down a little" - for the record, if a man ever reads this, DO NOT EVER TELL YOUR WIFE MID VENT TO CALM DOWN< I assure you she will NOT, and now she has leveled her laser stare at YOU- at any rate, now I'm left with a conflict, I don't know if I'm unusually angry or justifiably angry- I want to simply say in my best June Cleaver voice, "Sure honey, I'd be happy to run down to the school in the middle of my work day and wake your brother from his nap so that you can have whatever it is you want right away" but what comes out is, "WTH is wrong with you? didn't you know you needed this before you left this morning? I'm not your hand maiden, and my work pays bills around here, while bringing you XYZ doesn't do anything but use my time, gas and patience! ugh, fine I'll bring it to you but this is the LAST TIME!" *until next time* The scenario is fairly regular, weekly at least- to the point I don't want to answer the phone, sometimes I unplug it so they can't reach me, but then worry they'll have an ACTUAL emergency and plug it back in- in fact the other day when I ignored my teens call, she gave ME a lecture about it- know what she was calling about? She needed a wardrobe change because she had dressed inappropriately for an assigned presentation- but clearly I AM the problem here according to her for not answering my phone to fix this for her quickly enough- ugh, see that's my anger peeping out again. To top it off, I have no one to vent to about it, when I try to speak to my husband about it, I'm told to calm down, he gets agitated just discussing it with me, I cannot even imagine if he was subject to their petty demands all day- he'd have changed his name and moved to Mexico long ago, but I should simply calm down about it. ugh....blah...maybe it's time to look into meditation? ah, but I'd have to find someplace they couldn't find me to do it, lol, and that is seeming highly unlikely at the moment. Honestly I just don't know how to balance MY needs, THEIR needs, and my mommy guilt all on the same platter without spilling some hostility along the way.
